IYKYK Culture: The Dangers Of Unwritten Rules

Seven years ago, I had a near-fatal experience at work. I’d just been promoted and was eager to prove I was up for the job.

I had taken on an overwhelming number of clients and had been feeling burned out for some time. But as a Black woman in corporate America, I’d always been told, “You have to work twice as hard to get half as far.”

So, one early afternoon, I was traveling from a client site and I had about an hour’s drive to go. One moment I was driving and the next thing I remember is waking up on the side of the interstate.

By the grace of God, my car did not hit anything or anyone. I walked away physically unharmed. But I was terrified at what had happened. It was a wake-up call that my relationship with work needed to change.

While falling asleep at the wheel due to burnout was really bad, I think the real travesty was that for many years I didn’t tell anyone about it. Not my mother, not my friends and certainly not my manager. I felt pressure to prove myself at work, and I was embarrassed that I’d failed to keep it all together.

This moment should have been a catalyst for conversations with my team about what we could change, but I wasn’t sure how to advocate for myself. The lack of open dialogue around job pressures, burnout, and mental health created the perfect storm for me to avoid talking about what happened that day.

‘If You Know, You Know’: An exclusionary and hurtful practice

My harrowing driving experience was an example of the toll that unspoken or unwritten rules in the corporate workplace can take on a person. My fear and unwillingness to talk about the incident magnified the example. The consequences of unspoken rules go beyond opportunities for advancement—they can be life-threatening.

I am sharing my personal story about falling asleep at the wheel because I believe in the importance of speaking the unspoken at work. Feeling seen, understood, and valued is one of the most powerful feelings you can give your team members.

Unspoken or unwritten rules at work are related to the exclusionary phrase “if you know, you know.” IYKYK is used after a statement or some form of content to indicate an inside joke, or a reference to something only a select group of people know and understand. You may have seen this popular hashtag on social media.

For example, a post online might say, “It’s wash day for me this Saturday so I am out of commission all morning, IYKYK.” Throughout my career exploring the psychology of the corporate world, I have consistently noticed a pervasive use of IYKYK. In my workplace experiences with IYKYK, I often felt left out in certain situations, like not being invited to meetings or missing out on important communication that others seemed to receive.

It was even more frustrating when I realized that those who didn’t fit in the typical mold were the ones experiencing these moments more often. I wanted to ask if I was missing something, or if there were certain rules I should be aware of.

Part of what makes work unbearable is an IYKYK culture. IYKYK shows up frequently in the workplace, because every workplace has written and unwritten, or unspoken, rules. Some of the latter are actual behavioral expectations that significantly impact the employee experience. For example, consider the unspoken rule of “It’s not what you know, but who you know.” This rule alludes to the necessity of understanding power and influence dynamics in your workplace in order to advance.

There are the formal expectations outlined in the HR handbook, such as: “Business hours are from 9-5 p.m.” But then, there are the informal practices or unspoken rules that govern how we do things, such as, “No one really schedules meetings after 3 p.m. on a Friday.”

The biggest challenge with IYKYK is that, by design, some people are not supposed to know the unwritten or unspoken rules, which typically align with the behaviors of the majority group. While unwritten or unspoken rules feel normal to the majority, they can be exclusionary to those outside the majority, especially for people with historically marginalized identities.

Removing IYKYK and unwritten rules from your workplace

Whether or not your workplace was made with people like you or me in mind, most of us enter the corporate world with some gaps in the IYKYK arena. But that does not mean success in these spaces is not possible. IYKYK holds less value as an exclusionary practice when you do know. Knowledge is power, and applied knowledge is liberation from systems of exclusion.

The more directly you address unspoken conversations around things like bias and burnout, the more your team will feel safe to tell you when they are struggling and need extra support. Your company will also reap the benefits. When people feel seen and valued, they become more engaged, perform at higher levels, and are less inclined to leave the organization.

As CEOs, you can do the following to dismantle IYKYK cultures and unspoken/unwritten rules:

• Come to terms with the reality that we all have bias

Systemic and individual bias contribute to inequities in employee experience. But we don’t have to blindly accept our biases, and there are ways you can manage them. Consider how you can advocate for better systems and workflows when you notice inequities.

1. Reflect on aspects of how things get done, such as how team members are assigned new projects or how vacation time is approved.
2. Get curious about patterns you notice. Ask more questions about how your team members are experiencing the workplace and experiencing your leadership.

• Increase transparency in the process for advancement

Make sure you understand the formal and informal things that contribute to promotion and share that information with your team members.

1. Give team members the scoop. Inform them on office norms and share your personal experiences navigating them.
2. Empower your team. Help them understand things like the power dynamics or how to build their internal network. Push beyond your comfort zone to give feedback that will increase transparency and level the playing field for all team members. Often, candid feedback is lacking between managers and employees with different identities.

Make no mistake: There are unspoken/unwritten rules in the corporate world. They are holding back capable people and the companies furthering those inequities—and they have no place in companies that truly want to work toward more inclusive workspaces where everyone’s contributions are welcomed, valued and celebrated.